Author: walking in freedom

As part of my birthday Present I got to stay in this box car on the ranch. The box car is an old train box car converted into a cute home to stay in. I was excited to be there because I love Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch so much that I wanted the whole experience. I also found this place very peaceful and beautiful. The decor inside is all western style so you feel like your really in a ranch cabin. I spent two nights here and my nights were a bit tough as I’m a city girl so lots of frogs croaking which I loved, coyotes my second night and the early morning rooster that crowed.

On my second night here this is the sunset we all got to enjoy over the ranch. Rachel and Tim came by and hung out and this was such an incredible sight we saw. God is good indeed.

This great tea place is in Sisters, Oregon and it’s got the most Fabulous tea. Rachel and I went before and yes I loved the peach cold tea brewed with fresh peaches.

More Kayaking for Rachel and my bithday this is Rachel’s favorite lake. I loved this lake so much. The lake was super clear but a very deep lake and you could see trees in the bottom of the lake. Kayaking was good and fun. I loved it here so much. We had such a fun afternoon there hanging out.

• This is the refuge barn up at the ranch and I got to listen to good friend KIm speak at Fellowship. The ranch has a fellowship once a month at the ranch where you come and enjoy a potluck dinner and listen to a speaker. Below is a huge horse an artist made for the inside of the entrance of the fellowship hall. This used to be a 150 year old barn now transformed into a beautiful barn. The lion was painted by a local artist.

I was incredibly blessed by all my friends when I came and celebrated my 50th with them. God has given me some awesome friends and it truly was a blessing to do so many good things. Thank you all for making my birthday so special.

On the day of my 50th birthday I was taken on a surprise. I had no idea what I would be doing, so I just embraced it. I was picked up by my good friend and her assistant and we drove through the mountains. I had never been Kayaking before. We arrived at our destination and took out our kayak’s. We went to Sparks Lake a natural body of water near the crest of the Cascade range in Deschutes County in the State of Oregon. The lake is surrounded by wetlands and marsh. Surrounding the Lake is the South Sister, Broken top, and Bachelor Butte.

Sparks Lake was formed about 10,000 years ago from lava from the Mt. Bachelor Volcanic Chain . The lake is huge but very shallow in places. At one in the middle of the lake I could have gotten out and walked across it. Other parts were much deeper. The small channel we kayaked down had lava chutes down it. What a glorious day it was. Boy had I ever missed out on how peaceful and awesome it is out in God’s nature. I was in complete awe at the beauty of the mountains and how close we were to them. We paddled around and then we stopped for lunch. Kim had put together a picnic lunch for both Judy and I . I was so blessed at what they had done. Kim had thought of everything. For dessert Kim had made a special treat for me it was sponge cake with blueberries, raspberries and whipped cream and Strawberries to top it off.

After lunch we got back in our kayak’s to explore the lake more. Towards the end of the lake we went to it was swampy and had wetlands in it. As we were down there we saw the most extraordinary sight. An osprey was fishing and had caught a fish and was flying with his prize holding it in it’s claws as it flew. Out of nowhere appeared a bald eagle and went straight for the osprey and took the fish from it and flew off into the nearby trees. What a phenomenal sight that was. We all sat in awe in our kayaks. Bald eagles are very significant for all three of us and so knew that God was sending us a gift of his awesomeness for us to see. Both Kim and Judy gave me bald eagle feathers they had found and I found one later on.

I was truly blessed with my birthday surprise and our conversations were good. I love how God brings into your life people who are experiencing simiar to you and how God uses them to speak his truth and encouragement. It was such an awesome day and I’m blessed to share it with my two good friends.

Have you ever prayed for something for a long time and you kept praying but what you prayed for never seemed to come to pass. It seemed like a life time away. I’ve seen God do amazing things in my lifetime. I’ve seen Him answer prayer in ways you could never imagine. I’ve seen God do amazing things in my life and others. I’m a huge prayer warrior I often am praying for someone for something or other. Some of you may know that I don’t have biological children but I have three awesome wonderful step children. Even though they are not mine by blood I love them just as much. I knew them when they were 10, 8 and 6. I loved spending time with them. Then they went away and we did not see them for a very long time. I always prayed for them while they were gone. I chose not to have children with their father, because I did not want them to think they had been replaced.

I wrote them journals when God laid things on my heart which was often. I have a whole bunch of writings I did for them. We tried to keep in contact with them but came to realize that they were not getting what we sent. No presents or letters, so I compiled letters in their journals. On their birthdays we brought cake and write cards which we have and we wished them Happy birthday. Holidays were really hard for us. At Christmas I brought ornaments and put dates on them and we hung them on our trees. Each of the children now adults have a collection of ornaments. We kept all their toys and clothes and we moved every time we moved we brought all their things with us. We continued to pray everyday for them and we never forgot them. After what had happened to me as a child being Kidnapped and not seeing my mom for 12 years, I always told my husband that one day they would choose what they wanted and come back. We went through a lot of painful years not knowing. AS they got older I found them on facebook and could follow what they were doing and get photos of them. After 12 years the middle and youngest daughter contacted us and wanted to see us. They came out when my father in law passed away for a weekend. It was so good to see them both they now were beautiful young woman. The middle daughter continued to come and see us and spend a couple of months with us. We fell in love all over with her. It’s funny even though a father and his daughters were gone for so long they have very similar things they like and do just like their dad. The youngest daughter went back on with her life and that was not interested in us. I watched her graduate from high school, get a degree in University and then do a thesis all via facebook.

Last Saturday out of the blue our youngest daughter contacted us. She was in tears she wanted to reconnect with her dad and she was so sorry she had cut us out of her life. She just turned 24. She wanted to see her dad and was out in our neck of the woods. Today after 6 years she reconciled with her dad and told me today that she is happy and grateful she can see him and meet. Things look like they are well from the photos. I would have gone as well but it did not work out but my heart has just soared all day. We have prayed for all 3 of these precious adults lots. God made us wait until they were ready to come and re- connect, we want things done faster but God makes us wait for those things we may want the most.

2 down 1 more to go. The oldest boy is almost 28 and we have never connected with him. I have been friends with him on facebook and instagram. I have sent him messages but he is silent. I believe if his sisters re-connect and have relationships that he too will come to trust that we are okas well. He was the oldest and his dad to him was his world. He is the most hurt because he remembers the most. He’s probably worried if he connects he could lose again. So I will continue to pray for him that he reaches out and that he trusts enough. Thank you God for answering our prayers and for us believing our children would come back. I will continue to pray in faith for our son.

I’m encouraging you all to keep praying for those things that you think will never come to pass. They eventually will and not to give up hope.

I’m coming up to my second year of sobriety in addiction. Wow that is certainly an awesome feat for me. I never thought I would be able to get this addiction out of my life it haunted me for years on end. One day I was brushing my teeth and the Lord told me that the root of my addiction was the hatred I felt in my heart everyday. My theory on the whole thing was these people hurt me beyond belief so why should I forgive them for anything. I had a choice to make did I let the power of this hate continue to destroy me with addiction or was there a better option.

My really good friend, her and her husband own Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch in Oregon . A year and a half ago I went to Oregon for Christmas and I had a chance her and I to walk in the wilderness. We talked and then I got to a point where I could not walk anymore I had this horrible headache. We stopped and Kim knelt in the dust. Normally Bend would be covered in snow but this day it was really warm with the sun and it was dusty and there were lots of sage bushes on our hike. I knelt down beside Kim, we held hands and started praying what did God want for me. Kim asked me what I saw. I saw a room a dark room with a child hunched up holding her knees on the floor. She seemed scared she was alone. Kim asked me what else did I see. I said the room was dark. The child was scared and lonely. Kim asked me to look closer what did I see. I looked and saw a figure standing over the child and I saw arms hugging her. I then saw light in the room and the figure was the Lord. He was comforting the child. The child was not lonely or scared anymore in fact the child peaceful.

I always wondered as a child where God was in that horrible mess of a life I grew up in. I thought He did not care enough for me but He was always with me no matter what. As I knelt in the dust I wept huge tears because I had never known that He loved me so much and He protected me from so many things. It’s hard to see when your in the midst of the chaos. We continued to pray and Kim asked me what was I holding on to that was stopping me from having a complete relationship with Him. I said my heart is black, because it hates two people who destroyed my life. I hate them so much that I want them to suffer like I suffered as a child. Kim said God is wanting you to let this go and forgive them as God forgave them. I told Kim that God told me recently that the root to my addiction is this hate in my heart. How can I forgive them? I had someone I admire a lot tell me once that forgiveness is letting go of that power that the people who hurt you have over you; it’s not giving them a free pass for what they did. My addiction was proof that they both still had that power over me and for me to be free I had to forgive them. We continued to pray and I prayed out loud for them both that God would free me up from that hate so that He could work on their hearts. I prayed for them and my heart felt so different. That hate, bitterness and anger disappeared and continued to pray for them.

As we had prayed the sun beat down on us both and I had forgotten that Kim was with me. I also asked for forgiveness for myself for using addiction and not turning to the Lord when things got tough. When I stood up all the pain I had felt on the hike disappeared and I stood up straighter and I felt really good. We walked back to the truck. Kim and I met again before I left to go home and I still felt the same I feel this huge peace in my heart. I even found myself praying for them occasionally which I would never have done in the past. Forgiveness was hard to do but in my case a necessity to get through my life. Since doing this I have remained sober in my life and have almost two years of sobriety. I never forgot that time in the wilderness and I now am a better person for doing this.

Don’t let unforgiveness in your heart stop you from living your life. Stop that power over you the person has. Haven’t they taken enough of your life already. If you need to talk to someone to help your process there are good counselors out there who can help guide you through this.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is hard to deal with when it gets triggered. I find it gets triggered less and less but when it happens I have a tough time. I decided to write about it. Yesterday at work there is a little girl who is scared of the wind. It was a windy day and when we were outside she strarted to get worried about it and she wanted to go back inside. When she is scared of the wind her family will bring her inside. We could not do that as we were outside playing so the educators tried to comfort her in the best way they knew how. They even brought out her blanket and her soother. Nothing seemed to help her. I watched her panic more and more and come up with ways to be able to go inside. Educators would talk to her about why she was scared, nothing helped she became more panicked. Another educator told us that she was playing us and this was not a real thing. That really bothered me a lot because this was truly a fear she had and she was in flight mode. We eventually went inside and then her body was still in that flight mode. She refused to eat, but how could she eat after all of that. Later she slept hard. After her sleep she was back to her self.

This whole situation reminded me of how I am if I am triggered with fear. This little girl does not have PTSD but I saw the signs of fear and I even tried to intervene on her behalf to be told that’s not what was going on or told that she’s making it up to get what she wants. You would think if I have PTSD I may know a little bit about what I saw. People who have no idea about this kind of high stress or truama simply have no idea and if I had no idea I would want to learn to make sure this child’s needs were met. I was angry that my views were cast off as nothing. On my lunch break I looked up fears in young children and how they should be dealt with and that it needs to be taken seriously and when needed proffessional help to intervene. Children can often have big fears of the unknown world around them. I sent the articles to my boss and emailed the children’s organiztion I work for to get them to bring us resources to help her and her family. I explained to my boss that I understood where this girl was coming from. Fear can paralyze anyone, to cast it off as nothing when there clearly is a problem is very dangerous and wrong.

My boss thanked me for what I had given her and told me they would come up with a care plan to help her and strategies for us and her family. After this whole situation yesterday I was upset yes but it’s really hard to educate people if they think they know it all. I felt really sensitive today since this happened. Tonight I found myself in a situation that made me freak out. I fought hard and then wanted to run in flight. If I don’t eat for a long time I get low blood sugars and then panic kicks in from past things and then I freak out. Nothing helps when your already in this, my brain cannot process what the heck you are trying to tell me. The circumstances of tonight were nothing I could control so then it’s harder for me.

Now I just need to spend time in prayer with the Lord to ground me back where I need to be. After eating then I start to realize that it’s ok and I am safe. I can eat now and I will not go hungry. God has me no matter what or how I am feeling. This feeling too will pass. Tonight I will pray for that little girl at work that she will feel validated and loved when she’s so scared. If You don’t know about something listen to others who know what they are talking about. I will listen to you.

Step 8 prepares us for a new way to relate to the world. We get ready to clear our pasts and to be open and honest in our relationships. We make a list of  the important people in our lives. For example: Partners, friends, families, co-workers etc. Do we still have ongoing bitterness, fear or hostility in these relationships. Whom have we embarrassed, threatened or frightened? Who do we resent or avoid? These questions get us started on whom we harmed to others in the past.

Making amends is what we need to do in this step. For me this was a hard step because it’s hard to admit where you were wrong, but on the other side of it hard to forget how I was treated. This is about having healthy relationships.  I now realize this step is about giving someone more respect and honesty.  Look at all your relationships and decide which ones you want to change. It’s hard sometimes when you are used to patterns and negative feeling to switch and not feel like you did in the past. We need to look at our relationships differently in the present not in the past it then makes it a lot easier.

In addiction we unfortunately do hurt others. Our addiction is our main focus in life. We hurt others because we only focus on ourselves and will do just about anything to get that next high or fix. We lie, steal, cheat, manipulate, become unresponsible and unreliable. All of our behaviors are harmful to those on the recieving end of it all. Honesty is the most difficult thing in our addictions. I was very good at hiding and lying about my addiction.

Now it is time to start of list. Narrow down your list who is the most important otherwise your list can have over 100 names on it. We can’t just say we are sorry we also need to make amends and being ready to do whatever it takes to make it right. We hope apologizing will reduce anxiety and conflict in our relationships. I like this that we also should put ourselves on that list, because we all hurt ourselves in this process. We harmed ourselves. We were out of control and we violated our values. We treated ourselves badly because we believed we deserved it. This sends us the message that we are not worthy or valuable. This is something huge I struggled with. We can hate our bodies amd be the worst critics of ourselves. When we start to heal ourselves we come to think of ourselves differently. Who God intended for us to be.

Making amends is not easy some relationships will be easier then others be patient with the ones that don’t go as well. Keep an open mind. These amends will give us a deeper understanding of ourselves and help us in new ways of relating to the world.

God Bless you all          

Larry and I feel so sad right now, it’s hard to put into words. The life of a young man gone to an od of drugs. Addiction I Understand so well having fought with it myself, but it tears through families and destroys so badly.  Larry ( my husband ) had arranged to go to the East of Canada with a guy who was driving there with his son. The guy drives across Canada lots for his job so he’s used to it. Larry needs a double hernia and had organized to go with this man and his son. Larry was supposed to go Saturday morning and we found out early that at 2:30 that morning he had gotten a call from the police that one of his sons had od on drugs and when they arrived he was not breathing.  They managed to revive him and they induced into a medical coma. This afternoon the family made the decision to take him off life suport and he died.  The man drove back to his home to go see his son. Apparently he had been sober for a few years. 

We did not know any of these people but Larry has gotten to know this man over the last couple of months. What a tragedy as he was getting his life back together. I hate addiction so much it grips your soul so much and it consumes you to death sometimes or not. It does not matter what addiction you struggle with it all is horrible. Relapse can be fatal like in this case or you can overcome it. Addiction will occur again if you go back to your drug of choice. This poor man to lose his son. It sounds like his ex wife has issues with drugs as well and took the death of her son not well. Please pray for this family during this time. There are other things going on as well that this man needs to deal with in the next weeks as well.

Larry is not getting his surgery but in the scheme of things that’s minor compared to this. We both believe God brought this man also called Larry into our lives to bring comfort to this man.  I hate addiction so very much and even for me with almost being sober for 2 years that if tempted enough would I be able to stay away from my addiction of choice. The battle gets easier and easier each day and I have really good accountability and a network to help me in difficult times. I also know the drugs out there are so much stronger then they used to be. Look at all the od of fentanyl all across Canada and the US. Larry said he will set up a go fund me page for him and his family. I thank God he brought Larry into our lives but I hate it had to be under these circumstances. Please lift him and his other children and his family up tonight. Thank you.   

Many of you who know me, know that I work with a little boy who is non-verbal. He was in a tragic accident as a baby and now has a brain injury. Over two years ago he and his family came into my life.  When he first came into my life he needed so many things. The first time I met him he was super shy but he always had a smile on his face. I realized quickly that when we went for walks he never noticed the world around him. All he could focus on was the walk and that was very stressful for him. Singing calmed him down so I sang often. His balance was bad and he often tripped over things. He would fall off ledges and he never looked down to see what was in front of him.

He loved to push a grocery cart around but quickly I realized the children around him would just move out of the way when he came crashing through. My job as his support worker was to help him in his toddler and then his preschool setting. I worked really hard in learning sign so that he could communicate with me and he with his peers and teachers. We spent a month in his toddler program and then we moved into the preschool room. I was scared to have him in preschool, it seemed like there were so many little things he could put in his mouth or even swallow. Everyday I would gather up all the small things and put them up high. This boy is a very busy guy so now he was in a bigger room I had to watch him so closely.

From day one I treated him like everyone else and I had the same expectations for him that everyone else had. I did not treated him with kid gloves or baby him in any way. He came with a big team of people who had known him since he was a baby after his accident. They came in and helped me set simple goals for him and how he could fit into this program better. I took everything the therapists me and implemented it in the best way I could.  For him repetition was huge and pictures helped so much. Washing hands everyday one step at a time until one day he got it and he could wash his hands. We washed those hands an awful lot of times. Everything took time and we had to go through a process for everything.  Even as simple as looking down as you walk as to not knock down someones creation. This kid never looked down. Being non-verbal is hard when you want to interact with others. LOts of touching others and I soon discovered that some children just did not want someone to touch them for anything. He loved to give hugs another thing that some just do not want. 

One of the girls was very uncomfortable with him. She avoided him as much as she could and when she became really unsure with him she would freak out when he came close to her. Her whole body language told us she did not want him near her. Other children did not want him to sit near them or just made it known to him they did not like him. I started to talk to the children about him and explain to them that he had owies in his head and that this is how he talks and him touching you is because he really wants to play with you. I taught the children sign language so they all could communicate with G better. The children needed to be eduated and the girl who was unsure of him I talked with her family and I paired them up on different things we did. Slowly she came around and in the end was G’s best advocate and helped him out often. I love that. 

This September G goes to Kindergarten and he’s now ready to face a new adventure in school. I can say as his support worker what that boy has learned in this time totally amazes me everyday. He now is the most observant boy and notices change straight away. He is toilet trained and is such an outgoing social boy. He has good balance and can dribble a ball so well. He does what all boys his age do physically. He is very independant and can dress himself and take off what he needs to do. He still needs help talking but has an I pad that is helping him communicate more with his peers and the adults in his life.  

What I love about this boy is he’s never been afraid to try anything and if he couldn’t do it he would keep trying until he got it. He has taught me that you can do anything no matter where you have come from. G’s story is tough and tragic but he never gave up on anything. His family have worked so hard to help him become who he is today. This boy is a miracle and I’m so blessed to have had this opportunity to work with him. He has the best sense of humor and often gets the giggles which I love to hear. I thank God for this boy and his family and I pray he continues to strive for the moon. He has taught me so many valuable things. Go get them G. 

Recently I did a bible study through You Version bible online called Broken crayons still color. I loved it so much that I found the woman Shelley Hitz had written a book by the same title. I love the title so much. It is awesome in so many ways. Just because we are broken in some way does not mean we still can’t be melted back into something so new and beautiful. God has restored me in so many ways. As Shelley Hitz puts it ” Broken crayons do still color.” God will and is using me to help and encourage so many people. God uses our brokeness for His glory.

I love the chapter in her book called The Pink Crayon – Fearfully and wonderfully made. This is a hard chapter for me, because it’s to do with body image and I’m not overly comfortable with who I am. I hide from mirrors and avoid them at the mall. I hate clothes shopping and trying on clothes. Have you ever seen how many mirrors they have in change rooms? I’m as we speak doing weight watchers and losing weight and exercising a lot more. I know that my value comes from God and not how I look to others. That’s hard one for me. I’m learning to love myself for who I am now. Outward appearance is not as important as our inner beauty.  When we allow God to take our imperfections – our broken crayons He will create a beautiful masterpiece.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

Reading this book made me relate to this woman in so many ways. She too was addicted to sexual addiction and had similar abuse to me. The thing that rang huge to me was how she had to forgive and how God used her forgivess in her healing.  In my blog Where was God growing up I talk about forgiveness and how the stronghold of addcition disappeared when I forgave the people who hurt me the most in my life.  That’s why broken crayons may once have been broken but they still color and they are so beautiful. Thank you Lord for molding me into your creation.

How had God molded you in your journey? I would love to hear from you.   

In step six we become ready for changes. In step seven we ask for help with these changes. We open ourselves to change asking for help from the Lord. We need to trust that God has this. We come to realize that we cannot control this anymore and the only way out is giving it over to God. To me it’s a very humbling experience.   Many of us probably experienced this when we stopped our choice of addiction, we could NOT stop on our own but through God’s strength we were able to keep going and stop using.  This helps us give up those patterns of addiction, we are now more aware of those triggers and we give them all up to the LOrd.  I love the word Humility – With humility comes Wisdom.  ” But He gives more grace. Therefore it says God opposed the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6  ” Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you. ”  James 4:10  There are many great scriptures on humility. 

With humility we can say this is what we have done and we don’t judge ourselves for it. To me forgiveness was huge in my recovery. Not just forgiveness for others but for me forgiving myself. In step seven we humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. In AA the seventh step prayer says ” Here I am, just as I am, in all my strength and limitations. I am ready and willing to change my old patterns when the time is right. I have done the footwork, and now I need your help to live differently. What can I do to cooperate with life and be the best I can be?”  I like this prayer but you can create your own prayer that fits for you.  I also like the serenity prayer ”  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer helps us see that we cannot do this on our own. and some things don’t always go our way, but that with Him it gives me the courage to change the things I can do. 

Step seven is about acceptance.  Accepting ourselves for who we are now in recovery. This sets into motion change within ourselves. This is not the time to critize ourselves and find fault. Those are our old patterns of behaviour.  We humbly ask which means we practice acceptance and surrender.  We can use the HOW method this I read in my step book.  Honesty, openess and williness. We open ourselves to change and ask God to do the rest.  I love that when we do this, then we are ready for step eight.