Beauty from Ashes.

Grief is hard no matter what is happening in ones life. My husband left to move away and live out his dreams. He wanted me to go with him but for many reasons I don’t want to go. So he is gone and I am here. I’ve been having a hard time with it. I’m in the throws of grief. My heart feels broken and life just seems to be passing me by. I’m having a hard time with things like church. I feel overwhelmed lots. Last weekend I was downstairs in the church basement having potluck after the service and people all happy and chatting away and laughing. I felt like I was just not even there.

Grief effects people in so many ways for me it’s been making me really sad and that overwhelmed feeling and feeling like I just need quiet and not have to deal with too much of anything. My body physically aches and I feel exhausted. Today has been a bit better. Work is great and distracts me from what is happening. Today my heart does not feel as bad and day by day as long as I look after me will get better and better. I have recieved so many messages texts phone calls and prayers. Even though Larry is gone I feel peace I know that peace is from the Lord.

I sure do have a lot of amazing people in my life. I am a blessed woman. I love how people come together when someone needs something. My church group I belong to has started a meal train for me and so people will bring me food. That in it’s self is such a blessing. It’s hard to make food while in grief. God has promised that He will never leave us no matter what. Even in grief I see God’s grace and goodness around me and I see that so much in the children at the school I’m at right now. One boy this morning said he was thankful that I could come into his classroom and help out. This boy was in grade two. I watched another boy with autism I help him while his worker goes on her break. He was laughing at something I was doing with the magnets. This laugh just melted my heart. God is using these little people to heal my heart from pain.

No matter what is happening God will use this time for His good and His glory. I’m in the best hands possible. Grief will become less and less and healing will continue and I will be sad less. I have an amazing crazy labradoodle in my life and he makes me smile often. Zeke you are an awesome dog.

Thank you to all those who continue to walk beside me in this difficult time. I appreciate you all very much.

I love the faith that my friends who really know me tell me. Those who know me well have told me to apply to the school district and work as an Educational Assistant. I was unsure even after working a couple of weeks. Needs are high in the schools and I often felt helpless on how to help these children. My new job did a big turn a round this past week. I was able to work four days in the same school. I was with a boy who had a lot of anger issues and could be quite unpredictable. For a young boy he had a lot of things going on for him. I loved the class and knew two of the students in there right a way so that was nice. Both of them I had taught in my preschool class. I was in a split class kindergarten and grade one. I felt at home immediately.

The boy I worked with I started to get to know him and hung out with him lots. I also got to stay with him all week and his class. I loved how the teacher taught her students with rhymes for how to make letters. I also got to know the children in the class and was able to help them out so much. On the third day of working with him and helping him out we were walking down the hallway and he reached out for my hand to hold on to it. He was starting to trust me and know that I was there for him no matter what. I realized that my job is about a lot of compassion and understanding and building relationships. Without those relationships those children are not going to be able learn. They want to know they are cared for no matter what. I felt sad I had to leave the school on Friday, but know that I can do this and compassion is huge. I was also told by many including the prinicipal how calm I was and how I had made a big difference in this boy’s life this past week.

The principal also told me that there would be a position coming up for twenty hours and that’s how many people get their foot in the door. Not only did I help this boy out I also felt like I belonged at the school . I realized that there is a bigger part of being an EA and I know I have what it takes, so I need to remember that when things get tough. So far since I have started I have been told many times how calm and great with the children. I’m so glad God gave me a huge heart for those that need care and compassion.

Even though my blogs on my memoirs were hard for people to read I took them down so that I can learn how to write them in a different format. I know from all the things I experienced as a child made me into the person I am today.

Recently while I was down at the beach with my company from out of town I sat on a log and watched this heron. He waited very patiently for that right fish. It was facinating to watch. The heron stood very still waiting. People were coming and going on the beach but it was like he had tuned out the whole world to wait so quietly.

AS I sat I thought about my relationship with the Lord. God wants us to come to him and sit quietly so that we can hear what it is that He wants for us. He wants us to tune out the world and all the distractions so that He is our main focus. My life is very busy right now and no matter how busy it is I still have time to sit with him quietly. I pray everyday on my way to work as I have to do a fair bit of driving to get to my jobs.

Then right at the right time the heron gets the fish and eats it and goes back and continues looking for that right fish again. God wants us to sit and wait for Him just like this heron. Without this food this heron would die, without our food through reading the word and praying our salvation would die as well. We are not much different then this magnificent bird.

This has been a big reminder to me lately when things get tough for me. Even throughout the stress last week I could feel God walking beside me. Along the same lines as the beach one of my favorite stories is about a person walking on the beach. In the dream he noticed two sets of footprints one belonged to him the other to Jesus. As he looked at his life he noticed only one set of footprints. At the lowest parts of his life and the saddest parts there was only one set. He was really bothered by that and asked the Lord ” Lord you said that when I follow you, you’d walk with me. I have noticed that in the hardest times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand that when I needed you the most you were not there.” The LOrd replied ” MY PRECIOUS CHILD, I LOVE YOU AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. DURING YOUR TIME OF TRIALS AND SUFFERING, WHEN THERE WAS ONLY ONE SET OF FOOTPRINTS. IT WAS BECAUSE I CARRIED YOU.”

No matter what is going on in our lives God is always there for us. Please do not lose faith. I’m glad to have this reminder with this heron and the footprints poem. Reach out to someone. I have a whole ton of people I can reach out to. My friend Ruth told me this weekend that I have a person for everything in my life. Find someone whom you trust and reach out. Do something good for yourself and remember YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!!!

My blog was selected by a panel of feedspot as one of the top 100 Addiction blogs on the web. I was given this at the end of August and just wanted to thank everyone for this honor. Thank you to all those who have liked my blogs and commented on them. This journey of addiction has been a tough journey, but in sobriety a very rewarding one. I want to continue to share my stories with you all.

One of the biggest things in recovery has been listening to others share their journeys and what has helped them. I write and share what is on my heart and what God has done and is doing in my life. God continues to lead me wherever I go and whatever I do in my life. As many of you know life is quite busy and hectic that is why I have not been blogging but when my new job settles down then I can get back to writing. I miss it when I don’t write. Below is the link that shows the Top 100 Addiction Blogs. There is help out there for those that still struggle.

• http://blog.feedspot.com/addiction_blogs/

Rejection is another awful feeling. It makes me feel horrible and as an adult it still stings when it happens to you. I think now I should have broader shoulders but when it’s people who are close to you it hurts even more. Recently I’ve felt this and my first reaction is to ignore them and shut them out. IT’s hard to do and for me and my first reaction is fight/flight. I’m still feeling like shutting them out.

As a child I often felt rejected by my dad and step mom. I never felt loved or wanted. I always thought I was nothing and that’s why nobody cared for me, but now I know that’s a big fat lie. My dads and stepmom were really messed up and now I see none of what I did as a kid was my fault. I still have no idea why they would treat me like that. I still think they must have had mental issues because how could you treat any child like you did with my brother and I.

Rejection seems to follow me around and even as an adult I can’t control how people treat me, but I do know that I’m not putting up with this and even though I cannot control how people treat me I don’t have to stand for it. This is their problem not mine and I’m walking away from it. I already have felt this in my marriage over and over again and that is hard and tough.

Today I decided to forgive the people that I felt rejection from and to walk in freedom with the LOrd. It’s not worth holding a grudge with anyone who has hurt you. Life is too short and I’m not living my life in bitterness. Bitterness and anger and rejection can fester into something really ugly and I lived a lot of life caught in addiction because I blamed my family in Ireland for my crummy family life. Yes my life was really hard and tough but now I am free of that and can live my life as how God intended it to be. I love how God shows us how to love others and forgive. That is our true freedom in this life.

THank you God for showing me this simple concept that can be hard to do. What is God teaching you in your life right now? Are you ready to do the hard thing or are you going to hold on to bitterness and anger. Let go and let GOd move in your life.

When I was in addiction I used to feel a lot of shame and unworthiness, that I was no good and that nobody would ever like me for whom I was. I felt like I could never measure up to anything. I often blamed myself for things that I had no control over and often felt like I was stupid. I was told by my family growing up and teachers that I was dumb and that I would never amount to anything. Boy those people were dead wrong about me . I have grown into a very successful woman who has true friends that care and love me. I have a Lord God who has shown me over the years how much HE LOVES me and how a broken crayon still colors beautiful things. God gave me passion for others and has given me a huge heart for the lost and broken. I also have a huge heart for animals.

My favorite animal is a horse. Horses are incredible animals and I love how they can interact with you without words and show you how special and awesome you are. Asher was a big old horse that was blind and starved from his previous owner before my friend Rebecca rescued him. When I was in Arkansas visiting http://www.arryr.org/ I had a big break through with this big old horse. I was still in addiction and to stop and face your feelings or anything was scary for me and this horse was so great and awesome that he broke though my wall of pain. I had in common with him being starved and not knowing where my next meal would come from. Asher was also blind on top of his being starved, but I was also blind in my own way. I was blind to being in addiction, blind to having others love me for whom I was and blind to loving myself. I could not see past myself. Asher showed me how to see and how to live life again. I miss that old guy very much. Thank you Lord for using an old horse to help me see in so many ways in my life.

This is beloved Asher. Another horse that had huge significance in my life was a horse named Hero. You can read Hero’s story here, he is an amazing horse that never gave up when he should have died. His perserverance is amazing. https://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/who-we-are/our-herd/hero This horse touched my life in amazing ways and I fell in love with him. Hero reminded me of what I had endured in my life with massive abuse in my life and how with God’s help I was able to survive against all odds and how God wanted me alive so that I could share my life with others. Hero’s story has touched and effected lots of people including someone who wanted to end their life but when they heard Hero’s story decided that life was wort living and if this small horse could survive being shot twice at close range, they to could survive. This person was going to end their life in suicide. Hero has become a hero to so many. No matter what you are going through in life there is hope and encouragement out there. No shame or unworthiness or anything is worth giving up our lives for.

I love how God uses animals to help us heal from our wounds and frees us from addiction and uses us to help others. My testimony which includes my life with massive abuse and neglect in my life God uses this to help others. My journey has been long and sometimes very painful but now I no longer have to feel shame and unworthiness about anything. God sees me as His precious daughter I am beautiful in His eyes even if I struggle to believe in any way. I AM SOMEBODY, I AM LOVED, I AM HIS BELOVED, I AM PRECIOUS IN HIS SIGHT, I AM BEAUTIFUL, the broken crayon I once was has become a whole beautiful and wonderful woman.

I took a short break from blogging this summer I guess there was a lot going on and blogging seemed like the last thing to do. I have to say I missed it a lot. Blogging is therapeutic for me and it’s a way to express my thoughts and feelings. After my 50th birthday I found myself doing and changing things in my life that I have needed to change for a long time. Maybe having a milestone birthday makes things become very real in your life. Now that i’m 50 I am proud to say I’m two years free of addiction. Something I never ever thought I would be able to do. I’m also taking charge of my life and standing up not only for the children in my life but what is in my personal life. I’ve been married for 18 years and well the last 10 of that has been hard and very difficult and painful. One of my good friends told me this past week that no matter what happens in my life I need to REST and “TRUST in the Lord with all your heart. DO NOT LEAN on your ways acknowledge Him, and HE will direct your path. ” Prov 3: 5-6 I’m to stay this course and just walk with my beloved Jesus step for step. He knows the way better then we ever do. I’m to rest in God’s truth.

My marriage is ending and yes it’s not been the best for many years it’s harder when it’s done for real. I really thought I would be married forever and growing old with someone you love not spending life alone/ well I’m not actually alone I have so many supported friends and family and a great dog who loves me no matter what. I also have a Lord who loves me so much more and I’m so glad for this. It’s hard though emotionally, physically and mentally. I finally am standing up for myself in what is right and not using the poor me and addiction to keep me in a marriage that is no longer working for me. This summer we were apart for a month and I loved it on my own and realized that I can do this and I did not miss him at all. It was a good test and I looked after the house and even mowed the lawn for my very first time. I have done things that needed to be done for a long time now have gotten them done recently and even though it was really hard, it’s been one less thing for me to worry about.

I also am ending a career in Early Childhood Education after 30 years of working. I’ve been on a really good contract working one on one with a non verbal boy. I loved my contract so much and learned so many things and met some of the greatest therapists. It opened up a whole new world for me and I realized my passion is helping children that need extra support. I’m unable to do it in my field and for the past 2 and a half years I have had no benefits with my job, no sick time and 4% on my paycheques for holiday time. I recently took a week off to a pinched nerve and got no pay that week and now I’m getting older I need to get a pension again. I’m sad to leave the daycare where I worked but I’m excited to be able to work in the school district and continue to help students of all different ages. It will be a big change but I believe I wil be all right because of how I grew up and how much passion and understanding I have with children and adults. I’m looking forward to learning lots of new things. I will work less hours and get more money which is nice and have a life outside my work.

These feathers are from a bald eagle that were given to me on Sparks Lake on my 50th birthday. Eagles represent to me FREEDOM and the courage to look ahead and everytime I see one I know the LOrd is close to me. Yes my life is changing but God is watching out and over me. These feathers also remind me of the amazing sight I saw on the lake with the osprey fishing and flying along with it’s fish it caught and then out of nowhere the bald eagle swooped down and took the fish from the opspry and flew off into the nearby tree. That was such a spectacular sight a rare sighting. Bald eagles were selected by the founding fathers to be the emblem of the nation. These birds symbolize strength and freedom.

I’m embracing life and it’s changes and I’m looking forward to seeing what GOd will do in this next part of my life. I’m looking forward to contiuning doing His work and helping others. I appreciate all my friends and my family and all my blogger readers. Thank you for your continued support in this journey called life.

I still cannot fathom why people do not stand up for what is right. Why is it easier to turn a blind eye when as humans we should be standing up against those that hurt others. How do people sleep at night and why am I the only person who ever does anything about it. Why do I feel sick and unable to sleep? My guess is because I was abused as a child and nobody stood up for me. God has given me a huge heart for children and adults. I see the pain I see them helpless I see them unable to understand or know how to defend themselves. I remember as a child wishing I could stand up to the people who hurt me or stop the people who bullied me in school or teased me in cruel ways but I could not stand on anything when you are young. I hate bullies to this day, they are cowards and pick on people or children.

Recently I had to stand up for a couple of children who were in the cross fire of a woman who was being a bully. I tried to intervene and she continued her behaviour and told me she was getting these kids back. These kids were 4 year olds and who is the adult here, clearly not her. I reported her to my supervisor where she was promply fired. You would think that would have been the end of that but then I heard she had been employed elsewhere so I went further to tell someone who will listen to my concerns this woman working with other children. So many people just turn their backs on things and very few do the right thing. I told the woman that who came and interviewed us all . She agreed sadly people do not stand up and defend children or others. She told me unless it’s abuse or neglect but still people are afraid of losing their jobs or getting others in trouble.

If as a caregiver we are not looking out for the children we care for, then why are we in this field. It’s definitely not the money and it’s not an easy job. The lady who interviewed us was really glad that I stood on standing up for children. She thanked me so much and I told her that for me childcare was about standing in the gap for children/ people who could not stand up for themselves and that everyday my concern is how our children are being treated. I will continue until the day I die to do this. It’s never an easy thing to do but it’s must.

When we are at work or someone else are we standing in the gap for those that need our help or are we walking away and ignoring a problem. Please do not ignore , please do not stick your head in the sand. As many of you know people knew things were wrong in my home growing up, but how many ignored the warning signs and left me in an abusive home. I prayed that someone would do something to stand up for me but I endured abuse for 12 years. All it would have taken was one person to stand up. Stand up for bullies there is zero tolerence for it. The person now will have accountability for her actions and maybe no more children will have to endure her practices.

As part of my birthday Present I got to stay in this box car on the ranch. The box car is an old train box car converted into a cute home to stay in. I was excited to be there because I love Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch so much that I wanted the whole experience. I also found this place very peaceful and beautiful. The decor inside is all western style so you feel like your really in a ranch cabin. I spent two nights here and my nights were a bit tough as I’m a city girl so lots of frogs croaking which I loved, coyotes my second night and the early morning rooster that crowed.

On my second night here this is the sunset we all got to enjoy over the ranch. Rachel and Tim came by and hung out and this was such an incredible sight we saw. God is good indeed.

This great tea place is in Sisters, Oregon and it’s got the most Fabulous tea. Rachel and I went before and yes I loved the peach cold tea brewed with fresh peaches.

More Kayaking for Rachel and my bithday this is Rachel’s favorite lake. I loved this lake so much. The lake was super clear but a very deep lake and you could see trees in the bottom of the lake. Kayaking was good and fun. I loved it here so much. We had such a fun afternoon there hanging out.

• This is the refuge barn up at the ranch and I got to listen to good friend KIm speak at Fellowship. The ranch has a fellowship once a month at the ranch where you come and enjoy a potluck dinner and listen to a speaker. Below is a huge horse an artist made for the inside of the entrance of the fellowship hall. This used to be a 150 year old barn now transformed into a beautiful barn. The lion was painted by a local artist.

I was incredibly blessed by all my friends when I came and celebrated my 50th with them. God has given me some awesome friends and it truly was a blessing to do so many good things. Thank you all for making my birthday so special.

On the day of my 50th birthday I was taken on a surprise. I had no idea what I would be doing, so I just embraced it. I was picked up by my good friend and her assistant and we drove through the mountains. I had never been Kayaking before. We arrived at our destination and took out our kayak’s. We went to Sparks Lake a natural body of water near the crest of the Cascade range in Deschutes County in the State of Oregon. The lake is surrounded by wetlands and marsh. Surrounding the Lake is the South Sister, Broken top, and Bachelor Butte.

Sparks Lake was formed about 10,000 years ago from lava from the Mt. Bachelor Volcanic Chain . The lake is huge but very shallow in places. At one in the middle of the lake I could have gotten out and walked across it. Other parts were much deeper. The small channel we kayaked down had lava chutes down it. What a glorious day it was. Boy had I ever missed out on how peaceful and awesome it is out in God’s nature. I was in complete awe at the beauty of the mountains and how close we were to them. We paddled around and then we stopped for lunch. Kim had put together a picnic lunch for both Judy and I . I was so blessed at what they had done. Kim had thought of everything. For dessert Kim had made a special treat for me it was sponge cake with blueberries, raspberries and whipped cream and Strawberries to top it off.

After lunch we got back in our kayak’s to explore the lake more. Towards the end of the lake we went to it was swampy and had wetlands in it. As we were down there we saw the most extraordinary sight. An osprey was fishing and had caught a fish and was flying with his prize holding it in it’s claws as it flew. Out of nowhere appeared a bald eagle and went straight for the osprey and took the fish from it and flew off into the nearby trees. What a phenomenal sight that was. We all sat in awe in our kayaks. Bald eagles are very significant for all three of us and so knew that God was sending us a gift of his awesomeness for us to see. Both Kim and Judy gave me bald eagle feathers they had found and I found one later on.

I was truly blessed with my birthday surprise and our conversations were good. I love how God brings into your life people who are experiencing simiar to you and how God uses them to speak his truth and encouragement. It was such an awesome day and I’m blessed to share it with my two good friends.